A completely unscientific self-assessment based on popular mythology, church folklore and several decades of accumulated ecclesiastical baggage.
Tick all that apply.
The Church Years
Symptoms experienced whilst still living inside the ecosystem.
□ You knew all the words to every worship song whether you liked them or not.
Comment: Repeated exposure is a powerful educational tool.
□ You developed the ability to look attentive throughout an entire sermon.
Comment: Internally you were planning lunch.
□ Older church members felt partially responsible for your upbringing.
Comment: My soul was apparently a community project.
□ You spent years distinguishing between what you genuinely believed and what was expected of you.
Comment: This turns out to be harder than rebellion.
□ You were frequently informed that you were “setting an example” to other young people.
Comment: I don’t remember applying for the position.
□ You became aware at an early age that your family occupied a curious social position.
Comment: Not quite local celebrities. Not quite normal either.
□ You occasionally wished your father had chosen a quieter profession.
Comment: Why not accountancy?
□ You realised that church politics can be every bit as fierce as secular politics.
Comment: The difference is that one side may open with prayer.
□ You knew embarrassing details about church life long before you were old enough to understand them.
Comment: The view backstage can be educational but rarely improves the magic.
□ Your rebellion phase involved one or more of the following: sex, drugs, rock and roll, alternative spiritualities, ‘woke’ political activism or asking difficult questions in Bible study.
Comment: Pastor’s Kid rebellions vary considerably in style and intensity.
□ Upon hearing the phrase “sex, drugs and rock and roll”, you immediately thought, “Not exactly, but I did read Nietzsche.”
Comment: Some rebellions are less visible than others.
The Post-Church Years
Symptoms that may persist long after physical removal from the building.
□ You can still win almost any Bible quiz.
Comment: Sadly there are fewer opportunities than one might imagine.
□ You instinctively analyse the belief systems of political parties, activist groups and online communities.
Comment: Once you’ve lived inside one plausibility structure, you start noticing the others.
□ You still experience mild culture shock when encountering things most people regard as perfectly normal.
Comment: Recovery may take several decades.
□ You occasionally miss church despite all your objections to it.
Comment: Community is harder to replace than doctrine.
□ You find yourself feeling nostalgic for a world you can no longer believe in.
Comment: Human beings are complicated creatures.
□ You have spent years trying to decide which parts of your personality are genuinely yours.
Comment: Pastor’s Kid Syndrome may ultimately be an identity audit.
□ You have, at least once, used the phrase “I’m the son of a preacher man” as a chat-up line.
Comment: Results may not be as intended. Does she even know the Dusty Springfield song?
Results
0-3 ticks
Either you are not a pastor’s kid or you are in very deep denial.
4-8 ticks
Moderate Pastor’s Kid Syndrome.
Side effects may include sarcasm, overthinking and eating too much cake during church refreshments.
9-14 ticks
Advanced Pastor’s Kid Syndrome.
On social media you are either an up and coming TV Evangelist or a new atheist with a mission to de-convert others.
15+ ticks
Congratulations. You are now feel qualified to blog as an amateur armchair philosopher, theologian and sometime psychologist.
You are unconsciously seeking to return to Narnia.
Final Diagnosis
If you scored highly and occasionally find yourself missing aspects of the world you left, do not be alarmed. It turns out that certainty, belonging and a ready-made explanation for everything are surprisingly difficult things to leave behind.
Recovery, if indeed this is a genuine syndrome, remains ongoing
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